If their technology was so amazing, they would just call it what it is.

      Born in the U.S., raised in an Egyptian household, having straddled two proud cultures my entire life, my BS detector is sharper than a deli slicer. Americans love to act like we invented freedom; Egyptians call Egypt, Umm el-Dunya (Mother of the World) and claim the whole world started on our block. Cute myths. Both are baloney—sliced grossly thick..

     So of course the modern corporation— the world’s most dysfunctional anti-community club—does the same shtick: slap a fancy label on mystery meat and swear it’s “artisanal.” Step two in deconstructing your life away from Big Tech is Learn the lingo. Clock the newspeak. If it smells like corporate BS, don’t order it—send it back and ask for the truth on rye. (with extra mustard)

The “Smart” Taxonomy

Smart TV → ad terminal with a screen; ACR watches what you watch.
Smart Speaker → always-listening coupon dispenser with jokes.
Smart Home / Hub → one app to track every room (and you).
Smart Meter → fine-grained energy diary for your life patterns.
Smart Doorbell / Cam → neighborhood watch, but for data brokers.
Smart Car → rolling telemetry farm; your commute is content.
Smart Fridge / Oven / Washer → firmware updates for boiling water.
Smart Bed → intimate-moment analytics, now in graph form.
Smart City → surveillance, but with street art.
Smart Tags / Beacons → “lost & found” meets proximity tracking.
Auto-translate: “smart” = has a mic/cam/modem/telemetry stack and a Terms of Service.

Countermove (short version): buy “dumb” gear when you can; if not, isolate on guest/VLAN, kill cloud features, block vendor domains at the router, and prefer local control (Home Assistant over mystery apps).

Performance & Personalization gloss

“Make the app run better” → turn on surveillance so we can A/B you like a lab rat.
“Improve your experience” → we’ll log everything you do, forever.
“Diagnostics & crash analytics” → telemetry plus bonus tracking.
“Quality improvement data” → we need your data to justify next quarter’s roadmap.
“Better recommendations” → profiling so precise it creeps out your therapist.
“Tailored / relevant ads” → stalking, but with fonts.
“Interest-based advertising” → we built a dossier; now we’ll rent it out.
“Measurement partners” → adtech middlemen you’ve never heard of.
“Cross-device linking” → your phone, laptop, TV, car = one person: you.
“Optimize our services” → we’re training models on your behavior.
“Experimentation” / “A/B testing” → dark-pattern lab work in production.
“Preload / background activity” → runs when you’re not looking; talks to HQ.
“High-precision location” → we want your front door, not your neighborhood.
“Bluetooth/Wi-Fi scanning” → we can track you even with GPS “off.”
“Contact discovery / address-book matching” → upload everyone you know, thanks.
“People You May Know” → shadow-profile bingo using your contacts + metadata.

Consent theater & privacy kabuki

“We’ve updated our Privacy Policy” → we expanded data use; enjoy the novella.
“Manage your privacy” → 7 screens and 42 toggles (default: ON).
“Legitimate interests” (GDPR) → we decided we don’t need your consent.
“Consent Management Platform (CMP)” → cookie banner obstacle course.
“Partners / vendors list” → 300 companies you’ll never meaningfully audit.
“Do Not Sell/Share” → sure, but we’ll “process” it instead.
“Essential cookies” → analytics and ads wearing a mustache disguise.
“Single Sign-On for security” → one login to track them all.
“Data portability” → here’s a ZIP of gobbledygook; good luck.
“Transparency report” → glossy PDF with no useful detail.
“Privacy nutrition label” → marketing garnish; ingredients still secret.
“End-to-end encrypted”* → *except backups, metadata, and “abuse review.”
“On-device processing” → plus quiet uploads when we feel like it.
“Differential privacy” → math words to make you stop asking questions.

Safety-washing & “well-being”

“Trust & Safety” → under-funded moderation and PR fire drills.
“Community standards” → rules (and exceptions) we enforce arbitrarily.
“Brand safety” → we’ll protect advertisers; users, maybe later.

“Digital well-being” / “Take a break” → timers that don’t dent revenue.

“Pause history” → temporary amnesia; we still remember enough.

“Family pairing / age assurance” → surveillance for kids with extra steps.

Monetization, adtech, & data alchemy
“Service providers” → third parties that look a lot like data brokers.
“Attribution / conversion tracking” → follow you from ad to checkout to couch.
“Frequency capping” → we track every ad you’ve seen to show you more.
“Audience insights” → we sliced your life into sellable segments.
“Custom / lookalike audiences” → target you and your statistical twins.
“Data clean room” → surveillance, but in a white lab coat.
“Lift study / incrementality” → we’ll take credit for sales you were making anyway.
“Native / branded content” → ads pretending to be journalism.
“Creator fund / boost / promote” → pay to be visible on a platform you built.
Dark patterns & growth-hacking
“Streamlined onboarding” → we hid the opt-outs.
“Nudges / gentle reminders” → psychological tricks to increase tracking.
“Gamification / streaks” → variable rewards to keep you hooked.
“Infinite scroll / autoplay” → extraction treadmill.
“Re-engagement” → nagging disguised as notifications.
“High-priority alerts” → marketing pings skipping your Do Not Disturb.
“Device fingerprinting / probabilistic matching” → tracking without cookies.
“Identity graph / MAID” → permanent ad ID with a cute acronym.
“Shadow profiles” → dossiers on non-users built from your friends’ uploads.
“Privacy by design” → slide in the deck; not in the backlog.

AI-speak that means “we need more data”
“Responsible AI / Ethical AI” → please don’t regulate us yet
“Safety filters / guardrails” → vibes checks, not guarantees.
“Human-in-the-loop” → underpaid contractors looking at your stuff.
“Model improvement” → let us train on your content.
“Hallucination reduction” → still wrong, just confidently.
“Data governance” → the binder we wave at auditors.

Legalese & retention gotchas
“As required by law” → we’ll hand it over and can’t tell you.
“For research purposes” → broad license to experiment on your data.
“Aggregated / de-identified / pseudonymous” → can be re-identified with effort.
“Retention policy” → we keep it until the heat death of the universe.
“Delete account” → deactivate now; actually delete… eventually… maybe.
“Exceptional / lawful access” → backdoor with extra paperwork.
“Data residency” → stored locally, accessed globally.
“Standard contractual clauses” → trust us, the paperwork is airtight.
“Legitimate business purposes” → universal permission slip.

Platform & ecosystem glue words
“Seamless ecosystem” → lock-in that feels silky.
“Interoperability” → works great with our stuff.
“Trusted partners” → companies that pay or get paid.
“Security updates” → telemetry piggybacking on patches.
“Beta / early access” → free QA labor + extra tracking.
“Improve discoverability” → we’ll decide who gets seen.

How to auto-translate in your head

“Personalize” → profile.

“Measure” → track.

“Partner” → third-party data vacuum.

“Research” → internal product/ads R&D.

“Safety” → PR shield.

“Choice” → maze.

“Temporary” → until we quietly turn it back on.

Quick user checklist (a.k.a. fight back)

Kill “precise location,” Bluetooth scanning, and background activity.

Don’t upload contacts; use “search by username” instead.

Use email aliases and per-site passwords.

Deny ad personalization at OS + platform + app levels.

Prefer services with audited E2EE and short retention by default.

Read data-sharing sections first; skip the brand poetry.